‘no’ Vember - all about boundaries
How would it feel to reclaim control of your life by saying ‘no’?
Very very often, I meet people who have spent a great deal of their lives pleasing other people. Whilst it can feel good to be helpful and valued, often the result of chronic people-pleasing is a catastrophic loss of self, or complete burnout. Does that sound dramatic? Or do you recognise yourself in what I’m saying?
By always putting others before yourself, you relegate your own needs to second, third or even last place. There’s no time or other resources (money, space, energy) left for you once you’ve given everyone else what they need. Confidence, sleep, even self esteem all begin to slip away and you’re left burnt out, frustrated and overwhelmed.
Part of the trouble is that because you’ve always done this, other people take advantage of your good nature. You find yourself with more and more responsibility, and a feeling of being trapped in a never ending cycle of things to do for others.
Shall we change things?
What I’ve noticed is that once people decide to make a change and put themselves first, lots begins to change. Often the first thing people notice is the way other people respond. It actually makes us feel relaxed to be around someone who knows what they need, and is not afraid to state their needs. Think about the people you know who are very certain about what they can and can’t do. You probably feel quite secure about your interactions with them. When you ask them to do something for you, if the answer is yes, you know it’s a real yes, and no means no.
Imagine being that person who can say ‘no’ when you need to.
Feels liberating doesn't it?
THE challenge - Say ‘no’ Vember
If you’re ready to have a go at regaining control of your own needs in November, follow my suggested steps by asking yourself these questions;
Decide what you need - is it time to yourself, a walk, a holiday, or maybe time to read?
Is it achievable to have this straight away or do you need to start small and move towards the bigger things?
What difference will it make to you when you’ve got this for yourself?
What will you need to say ‘no’ to in order to move towards what you need?
What boundaries do you need to put in place to enable you to say ‘no’
Once you know what you want, you can practice using your new boundaries -
When someone asks for something from you, consider what impact saying ‘yes’ will have for you.
If you want to say ‘yes’, and you have enough time, energy and any other resources, can you set time or other limits so that you give only what you easily can?
Once you have considered the request, if it feels too much, now is the time for your NO. You are certain that this isn’t right for you.
You can thank the person for asking you, and without giving any reason, you can just say ‘no’.
There’s no need to apologise. Just say no.
Practice saying no. You can be assertive without being aggressive. assertiveness can be graceful when it comes from a centre of certainty and truth.
Enjoy the freedom now you’ve released yourself from the need to always say yes
Let me know how you get on, or tell me if you have a different experience. The comments are open for conversation.
